i thought i knew pain

i thought i knew pain and heartache. but nothing compares to this emptiness that i feel when i wake up, having to make coffee for one. you always made me coffee. you always joked about what a pain it was and i always whined when my cup of coffee wasn't ready.

****

i joined a couple of widow support groups on FB. i'm not one to typically reach out for support, but i definitely need this. no one can understand my pain the way another widow can.

i posted this the other day:

My morning routine has been first, walk the dog (which he used to do morning & night), and then make coffee (which he also used to do for the both of us).

How do I make coffee for one?

At first, I still made coffee for the both of us, drank my cup and threw out the leftover. Then I tried making for just one but I could never get the ratio right. It's still somehow off.

It's been 12 painful days since his passing. I don't think I'll ever get this coffee-for-one thing down.

Tomorrow, I just might keep brewing for two.

*****

i always wanted to start writing again. and now i'm here. i just hate that this is what led me back to writing.<\3 

Lullabies

I love the melody and notes to "My Darling Clementine". It's always been one of my favorite songs to sing as a child and it's one of the songs I find myself singing to my boys. And with OJ, I felt compelled to create a little lullaby for him to the tune of "My Darling Clementine".

It goes a little something like this:

In the winter,
In the city,
On a chilly, Thursday morn',
Is a day I will remember,
'Twas the day that you were born.

Oh, my darling.
Oh, my darling.
Oh, my darling Owen Jin.
You're my baby boy forever,
Chubby cheeks and double-chin,

OJ loves it when I sing this song to him, especially when I time the last line with pinching his cheeks and chin. :D


And of course, I had to make one for DB, too. :)

In the spring time,
In the desert,
On a snowy, Monday night,
I held you in my arms and
I knew I loved you at first sight.

Oh, my darling.
Oh, my darling.
Oh, my darling Daniel, son.
You're my baby boy forever
Always laughing, having fun.

Dear OJ: Two Months

OJ @ 2 months

Dear OJ,

You turned 2 months today! I can’t believe how much you’ve grown. Leaps and bounds and heaps of pounds! Your last well-baby visit weighed you in at a whopping 12.5 pounds in weight and 22.5 inches in weight. Your head circumference charted you within the 99.9999 percentile! Whoa! You’re definitely taking this growing business seriously.

It’s been such a joy watching you evolve within this past month. I love how verbal you are. You’re not afraid to voice your displeasure, haha. But you also don’t hold back when something or someone gives you joy. Cooing is definitely one of your favorite pastimes. And you have the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen. Your mouth opens wide, creasing your cute tiny corner dimple, and your eyes light up the room. I can just watch you all day and never get bored. :)

You’ve been holding your head up more and more each day. You also especially love to kick your legs around (I wonder if you’ll grow up to play soccer?). When we stand you up, you stiffen your legs and bounce. It’s the cutest thing ever!  

This past month has been a blessing and a joy just because you’re part of our family equation. I’m only saddened that I have to leave you five times a week to go to work. If only I could take you with me. My work days would definitely fly by. But then again, who knows if anybody in the office would get any work done with such cute distraction?

Son, I think about you every single day. And I am so grateful to have you in our lives. I can’t imagine how life would be without you.

I’m looking forward to the joys, coos, and poops to come. :)

Love always,

Your Mama

Repetitions



DB & Mama 2011

 DB is at that age where he can and will watch a movie/show over and over and over and over again within a 24-hour period. For the past year, he's been into Thomas the Train and Blue's Clues. For the past couple  of months, he's been into Curious George, My Neighbor Totoro, and Cars.

It's crazy how many times a day he can watch a one single movie. I think the count has been 4 at the maximum so far. He's memorized scenes and knows when things are to happen. With Cars, for example, during the opening race car scene, he knows the exact time when there would be a break during the Sheryl Crow song playing in the background. He also drags me in to watch "our songs" so we can sing and dance along to them. For instance, during the My Neighbor Totoro theme song ("Hey, Let's Go!") and the cruising song from Cars ("Life Could Be a Dream (Sh-Boom)"), he takes my hand from wherever I am and drags me in to watch the song with him. We then imitate the little dance movements from the scenes. It's kind cute, really. :)

I'm not going to lie, however. Hearing these shows multiple times a day gets annoying. But I suppose we put up with it somehow.

Dear OJ: One Month

OJ @ one month

 Dear OJ,

One month ago from today you came into our lives. You were born on a Thursday at 10:54 AM in the upper east side of Manhattan. You were born and you made our family complete.

When I first heard you cry, I couldn't believe you were really here. It's just that I'd carried you in my belly for so long that it almost didn't feel real that I could now touch and cuddle you. Nurse Terry had made sure I saw you as soon as you were cleaned up. I smiled as soon I saw your grumpy face and your adorable bitable cheeks! I quickly gave you a kiss because soon after, they wheeled you over to the NICU. Papa and I were worried about you but after an intense and long week at the NICU you were able to finally come home.

Your big brother, DB, finally got to really meet you once you came home. He had kissed you before you were born, you know. He would kiss Mama's belly once in a while and he knew you were called "O-en". :) But finally seeing your face made you very real to him. I think he's adjusted well to your presence. He knows you are here to stay and asks about you when he doesn't see you in the room. He's also pretty gentle with you considering he's a boisterous, rambunctious little fellow. He would never intentionally hurt you. I think these are all good signs that you will be in good hands with a big brother like him. :)

Papa took you to your first and second doctor's appointment. They were very impressed with your weight gain. You almost gained a whole pound from your birth weight! This is a good sign that you're a good eater and will thrive well and healthy. You currently drink at least 3 ounces of milk per feeding and averaging 30 ounces a day. Keep it up! We want you to be big and strong. :)

Your umbilical cord fell off on the 20th of January after your 2 AM feeding - and yes, we're keeping it and saving it in a safe place just like we did with DB's. Papa gave you your first bath two days after and let's just say you were not took happy about it! :) That's alright because you'll have plenty of more baths to get used to!

I can't believe how quickly this first month has gone by! Papa and I haven't done much but feed you, bathe you, and put you to sleep. I'm lucky enough to be able to stay home for these few weeks to be with you. And I can't wait until we can take you out with DB and go on family outings. There's so much of the world for you to see! But we'll not rush it. There will be time for you to grow up and explore every nook and cranny. :) Especially right now, I don't want you to grow up just yet. I want to savor your precious innocence and sweet, sweet smile. Even though you're a little bit cranky :P you have a seriously sweet side to you.

I'm excited to see what the next month will bring. Yet how can it possibly top this first month with you?

Love always,
Your Mama

Adjusting

Since we've had OJ home and since I've been on maternity leave, we've all been doing a little bit of adjusting. Besides the feedings, diaper changes, and pumping every 3 and 4 hours, having OJ home has been a piece of cake. He's a very "easy" baby in the terms that he eats well, sleeps well, and doesn't require a lot of maintenace. The only thing he's a little fussy with is that he's hungry a lot and wants to feed at least half an hour earlier than his schedule feedings. Other than that, he's a pretty chill baby.

DB has been a good sport having OJ home. I think he understands that OJ is a part of our family and here to stay. DB's aware of his presence and knows when OJ is gone. When O took OJ to his first well baby visit, DB saw the empty crib and looked at me with a confused expression. "Baby gone?" It melted my heart to know that he cared about his little brother in such a short time. I have no doubt he will be a good big brother to OJ.

Sleeping, as we feared, would be the hardest thing to adjust to. Or should I say, the lack of sleep. It's not that OJ cries through the night. As I've mentioned, he's a pretty good sleeper. But he does complain a lot when he's hungry. We've continued the newborn schedule that we put DB on when he was still a young baby. O would take the 11pm and 2 am feedings, I would do the 5am and 8am feedings.

One thing I miss with OJ, he's not being breastfed. :( I'm sadder about this that I initially thought. I'm exclusively pumping milk for him to drink, every 3 hours, 6 times a day. I pump like clockwork, religously. And currently I output more than OJ takes in, and he drinks more than what most newborns drink. Still, there's about 60oz of breastmilk already storing in the freezer with about 30 oz of milk at OJ's disposable in the fridge every day. Exclusively pumping has increased my milk output.

Yet with all the milk we have, I'm missing the bonding moments that comes with feeding a baby. With DB, the morning feeding was my favorite time of the day. It was a magical moment for the both of us as it gave us time to bond. Even now, with DB nearing three years old, we have a pretty close relationship. With OJ, I feel like I'm cheating him out of mommy time. :( I'm exclusively pumping because it allows us to monitor how much milk he's drinking. This was a problem for DB, especially when he started teething at 3 months. He didn't gain a lot of weight after that and we were constantly worried about his growth. Also, I think DB had nipple confusion as he was constantly switching from bottle to breast and I think this had somehow had an effect on his milk intake.

So far, with OJ, he's been a really good eater and I'm just relieved. His healthy growth is ultimately what I care about.

OJ is here!

• OJ's due date was January 3rd, 2013 but the hospital was fully booked for that day so they had me scheduled for January 2nd, 2013. I explained to my OB that we really wanted the third (due to silly personal supersticious reasons - and she understood) so she had us on the wait-list for the third, Luckily enough, they called me the Friday before to let me know that OJ would join us on his original due date. Yay!
• The Wednesday night before the surgery, I stopped eating at around 10:30 pm. My last meal was a couple slices of whole wheat bread and butter. I didn't have anything to eat or drink after then and boy was I starving!
• I was up, showered and ready to leave by 6:30am that Thursday morning. O and DB would follow me in because I still needed to admit myself into the hospital, sign a few forms, and get ready for the surgery. We thought this would be a better plan so that DB's wait in the hospital waiting room was minimized as he's not allowed in the labor and delivery rooms at all.
• I took my F train uptown and took a cab from there to the hospital. I rarely take cabs in the city just because it's so ridiculously expensive when the cheap train ride would always take you to the same place. But the hospital location and with the limited subway stops in our neighborhood/hospital left me no choice but to take the cab in. Plus, I was 40-weeks pregnant for goodness' sake! There was no way I was walking or busing it up to the hospital.
• 7:30am. At the hospital, I signed some forms and submitted myself in. I took the elevator up to the 6th floor where the maternity ward was located. I waited about 20 minutes in the lobby before my delivery nurse took me and showed me where to change. I almost threw a fit just waiting because it was *not* fun sitting and waiting with a big belly and a ginormous baby who's ready to come out.
• Once again, I found myself in the hospital gown that left little to the imagination (so I put on two). My delivery nurse, Terry, at least was pleasant and said the right things to put me at ease. She's been doing this delivery business for 45 years so I rested at ease at her hands.
• 7:45am. I walked into a shared recovery room where 3 out of the 4 spots were already occupied. I suddenly missed the private room I had (free of charge) when I gave birth to DB almost three years ago. I couldn't believe how tiny the room was and how little privacy I had. But to be honest, I didn't quite care. I just wanted to have everything over with already!
•  I was poked and prodded a couple times by a few people. First was Dr. Barbi (yes, that's her real last name) introduced herself. She would be assisting the main doctor who would be running the surgery. Then Dr. Grant, the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me about the good stuff he would supply to make sure that I don't feel a thing during the procedure. I then met with Dr. Cyan for the first time. It was rather awkward as we were meeting for the first time that very day he would be delivering my baby. But what can you do? Doctors (including my regular OB) are entitled to go on vacation. And to me, it didn't really matter because I just trusted that I would be in good hands. I had no room to worry about things that were out of my control. 
• Around 9am, O came by with DB. The look on DB's face when he first saw me in the hospital bed hooked up to a bunch of wires is a face I'll never forget. Sweet little guy looked so shocked and worried. I knew seeing me there in that situation was something he didn't fully comprehend but young kids have great instincts and I know that he knew something momentous was happening and that seeing me in that state had him a little worried. He didn't stay long because kids were not allowed in the recovery room after all. I rubbed and pinched his cheeks (one of my habits) and said hello. That brought me great comfort.
• 9:45am, I was wheeled into, no wait, scratch that, I actually *walked* myself to the surgery room. How odd was that? When I had DB, I remember being wheeled into the surgery room, not walking myself into it. But then again, circumstances were a bit different then. This surgery was planned, that surgery was not. In the room, they prepped me for the procedure with the wonderful drugs that numb the pain. Getting the drugs to numb the pain, I had forgotten, was painful in itself. It's weird not being able to see what's being done to your body. The pokes in my back and the rushes I felt as they gave me the epidural was weird even though I had already experienced this before. I remember feeling a cold and numbing sensation going through the lower half of my body. 
• 10:30am, they started the surgery. O was escorted in and the procedure started. Music was turned on and the five medical professionals in the room started to work and to chatter at the same time. It was funny how I immediately thought those surgeries on tv got it right with how the doctors and nurses worked in the ORs. I was conscious the whole time which was quite different from my first c-section. With DB, I was semi-conscious. I was given oxygen then and plenty of drugs. This time, I think I was given the minimum, just enough drugs to go through the surgery without the pain. I did feel an incision. It didn't hurt like a cut would hurt. It's hard to describe. But I did feel something. And like my previous c-section, I felt the tugging and the pulling. Once again, I found myself lying helplessly in the hands of medical professionals. And once again, there was no room for worry. All I could do was trust their experience and judgement. 
• 10:54am, I heard a cry from OJ! His cry was a bit warbled and not as strong or defiant as DB's, but it was my son's cry just the same. Relief and love overcame me as I heard my son breathe his first breath in our world. Nurse Terry was kind enough to show me OJ as soon as he was cleaned up. My first sight of him was priceless. He looked *so* much like DB as newborn, except not as hairy and definitely a lot chubbier! His cheeks were pouring from his face, hehe. :) I loved him right away. Any doubts I had before about whether I would love him as much as I love DB were washed away. It turns out, my heart had room to expand and to love another person unconditionally.
• OJ was wheeled straight into NICU (I had gestational diabetes so his sugar levels had to be monitored) and I was wheeled back into the recovery room where I was first situated. It took almost an hour before they had a postpartum room ready for me. I got one eventually, room 693. Terry sent me off with food (for O and DB) and a congratulations and good luck! DB was happy to see me awake. He had waited in the waiting room with one of my co-workers. I am SO grateful to have had her there. She volunteered to watch over DB during surgery. I've only known her for a little over 6 months but I felt she was trustworthy. And to just have her offer to help us meant the world to us! Living in New York without family and close friends is tough. Finding people you can trust and can rely on is even tougher. She knew our situation and didn't think twice to help us out. I couldn't thank her enough. I don't know what we would've have done without her. I know for one thing, O wouldn't have been able to be there for the birth of OJ if my co-worker had not offered to watch over DB. I owe her a debt of gratitude.
• The rest of the day was filled with anxiety, morphine, and sleepless sleep. O spent as much time as he could at the NICU to watch over OJ. His sugar levels were low and he was given antibiotics as a precaution for unknown infections. This meant that he would have to stay at the NICU for at least a week. We had gone through this with DB before and we knew we were in for a tough and stressful week ahead. The surprise of the day was finding out OJ's weight: a whopping 9 pounds and 15.4 ounces! I can't believe I carried him. I knew he would be a big baby but wow, almost 10 pounds? I did not see that coming. 
• My first postpartum nurse was named Rosie. I don't remember much of what she did for me because I think I mostly slept from the morphine I was given. But my second nurse was my favorite during my whole stay at the hospital. Nurse Alissa was super attentive and just all around perfect. She gave me everything I asked for, informed me about the drugs I was taking, talked about my options, and encouraged me to walk as soon as I could. And I did. 12 hours after I had surgery, I had willed myself up to use my restroom for the first time and to see my baby. It was the most painful walk in the entire world even though I had felt the same pain before. The shock to my body with the realization of how physically weak I was is not easy to take in. But walking helped with the healing.
• OJ looked so small in his little NICU box even though he was the biggest baby in the ward. I couldn't feed him, let alone even try to breast feed him because he was under surveillance and had to be monitored closely. The NICU over-night nurse, Arlene (she was Filipina, as were a lot of the over-night nurses), was nice enough to let me hold him at the very least. And finally, I was able to drink in the reality of my son. I was able to study his face and smell his newborn baby smell. It was a magical moment. I was still heavily medicated so I couldn't stay too long. I kissed OJ good-night, told him I loved him, and that I would be back to see him again the next morning.